Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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