I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
