I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
