Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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