Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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