You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
