Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
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They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
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After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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