How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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