Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
