He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
