the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
