I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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