I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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