and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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