Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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