smell my finger.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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