I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
