so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
