i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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