So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
