i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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