I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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