I wish my penis had an off switch
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
