Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You are a genius and a whore.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
