wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
