I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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