Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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