put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
