Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
