I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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