I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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