The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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