i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
