Soap is not a condiment
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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