There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
