Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
