A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
