My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
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Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
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I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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