Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
