the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
