Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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