My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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