i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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