burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
