goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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