I puked a lego.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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