I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
