I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
