hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
