On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You can't special order awesome
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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