Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
