listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
