You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
