Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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