Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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