take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
